Bridezilla

I tried to post this last night, but the internet was not on my best friend list last night.

Planning a wedding has got to be the most stressful thing ever. Normally when I'm stressed out about something it only involves me. That paper that needs to be researched only affects my grade and maybe the professor's patience. That stack of essays that needs to be graded doesn't matter too much. Freshmen are usually ok with, "No sweetie, I haven't gotten around to those yet." Progress reports are coming up and they don't want that grade to go into their average. However, this wedding sets the tone for mine and Austin's future. If it's a complete disaster then everyone will shake their heads, tsk, and glare at me from lowered heads.

I'm getting a little fed up with everyone asking unimportant questions. Especially questions that do not involve them. Listed below are questions I'm really tired of and the answers I would like to give, but am too much of a chicken to.

"What are the groomsmen wearing?" - Are you a groomsman? Do you have to dress a groomsman? No? Then what does it matter to you? (Oddly, only one groomsman has asked me what he needs to wear...and it was his girlfriend asking for him.)

"Am I getting an invitation?" - Why don't you sit around the mailbox and see what happens?

"What flowers are you having?" - Seeing as how I can't name but maybe three flowers, roses, lillies, and tulips, then I'm sure if I had picked out flowers I couldn't tell you what they were. I only go by colors. And no I haven't picked them out yet. Not that it matters to you anyway.

"What do your shoes look like?" - Right now, invisible. I might be going barefoot. Will you wipe my feet for me when they get dirty?

"Have you got everything done?" - Yes. In fact I'm ready to get married in the next ten minutes because every bride always has everything done a month before the wedding. Can you be at the chapel in the next ten minutes?

I know that everyone is just trying to be nice and helpful, but when my three families, plus friends, plus Austin's two families, and his friends start asking questions, the same questions, it kinda gets old.

And I just realized today that we haven't applied for a marraige certificate nor have we bought wedding bands.

Redneckery

I came up with this term to describe some of the activities I have had a chance to participate in while here in Jacksonville. The street that I'm living in is predominantly working class, tradesmen and women. They are simple, plain-spoken, and will give you the shirt off their backs. If you're stuck in a ditch, these people will come and help you out. They are ingenious. They can survive under any adversity. Entertainment is simple and often involves mudpits, ATVs, talking about NASCAR, debating any topic, laughing, joking, and no hard feelings.

The latest redneckery that I participated in was a backyard bonfire. It consisted of a very large wood pile, friends and relatives (and friends and relatives of friends and relatives). Everyone is introduced around and offered a cold beer. The night was a little too cold for me to hold a cold beer, so I passed on the offer and sat back to take in the happening. Someone turned up the radio in their truck and played country music for everyone there. The sparks from the bonfire drifted up into the night sky, blending in with the stars. I fully expected any of the adjacent pine trees to burst into flames from the sparks, but no impromptu wildfires.

Everyone was laughing, talking, and having a good time. We periodically turned ourselves as if we were on a rotisserie as the heat from the fire became uncomfortable on the exposed side.

It was an interesting way to spend a Saturday night. Frankly, there are a lot worse ways to spend one's time and I genuinely enjoyed the company.

Procrastination

So most of my stress comes from procrastinating, which is why I'm blogging the night after Write Night. I get wrapped up in needing to do things, but honestly, stress doesn't normally strike me until the last minute and then it's more like panic than stress. My classes did an in-class journal this morning, and they responded to Baz Luhrmann's "Sunscreen Song." If you haven't heard it, google the lyrics-they're great. Some of my favorite lines are:

"Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday."

and

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself."

I think our culture has given us the idea that we're in control of our lives, and we are, but only to a certain point. Then everyone else and our circumstances come into play. Not saying that we shouldn't set goals, but we also need to remember that most of the pressure on us comes from ourselves. Think Matrix/Fight Club mentality...when it's all over, which parts of life are real? Or do we make ourselves miserable with what we believe is reality/important when it's not?

little stresses...

I've been reading about all the other stresses in people's lives, and I can't help but think that mine are not nearly as bad. The biggest things for me are: thesis and worrying about being up to snuff on my observations.

All that's going through my head is, "I have no idea what to write." What I'm writing on isn't even a huge topic. I'm writing on the Oz books which is nice because there is some critical background, but mostly all I want to say, someone else has said it in some fashion or another. All I can think is, "How on earth did Matt find something interesting and new to write on "The Faerie Queen"?" Ugh.

Of course, never knowing where I stand in my observations makes me twitch. I might not get a job next semester if I don't do well. Hello poverty. Well, ever MORE poverty.

OK, enough ranting. To give everyone a little pat on the back, I think it's important to remember that we need stress. It helps us get things done and it reminds us that we care about what we're doing. When we stress over writing a paper, grading a test, or even all the things we have to do during the day, a little stress reminds us that why we're doing it is important. I think I'd rather do things worth doing and be stressed than do nothing worth mentioning.

My Stress List, which is creating more stress by having to create it!

Where should I begin. I try not to read other posts before I do mine so I won't influenced, but I glanced down the list and saw that some people used a list format, so I will follow their direction:
1. The first thing that is stressing me is that I'm at Chick-fil-a on kid's night, trying to type this, while I watch to make sure no one abducts my children, and all the while my 15 year old is continually talking to me. Also, my son has a balloon sword that he is using to hit me and others in the head. Nice.
2. The fact that I'm raising three children on my own, while my husband enjoys gifts from everyone in American, watches movies when they first comes out, and basically wants the world to believe it is so hard, when in reality he is having the time of his life.
3. Preparing for the purchase of a pony. We will be getting him at the end of the month, and I haven't built a barn or fence yet, but I'm about to get busy.
4. Society's obsession with weight and fitness, which transfers to me. I'm walking 5 miles a day and still don't feel that I'm doing enough.
5. Trying to determine the fate of my marriage - There is too much to write about that, so I will save that for another time.
6. Working on units for a school at which I don't even work and am not being paid, but I have to commit time to spend at the school to help write the units.
7. Teaching my 15 year old to drive a stick shift truck.
8. Determining where to send my five year old to school next year.
9. Updating my daughter's home school curriculum website when I've slacked off for a couple of weeks, so now I'm avoiding it like the plague. I've got to get it updated.
10. The fact that it will rain tomorrow and I won't be able to exercise. In my mind that means I will gain 10 pounds in one day.
11. Trying to figure out where I will work next year.
12. My mother being sick all the time, requiring lots of my attention.
13. My mother spoiling my children so much that they will listen to NOTHING she says to them.
14. Will the babysitter take good enough care of the kids while I'm gone.
15. Should I go see my Granny, who is 88, even though she is sick, lives in the hood, and is so feeble that taking care of her is like having an extra child.
16. Will my kids be irrevocably harmed if their father and I are no longer married?

Okay, making this list added to my stress! So, I'm going to close it now.

Stressors = Anxiety Producers

So, let's talk about the stressors in my life. They are in no particular order:

1. The six-year-old dose of attitude I've been getting for the last week.
2. Money, or lack thereof until March 15.
3. Lack of motivation at work
4. Seeing annual objectives that haven't reached the point I think they should have for this stage in the game.
5. The manuscript I'm editing that, when completed, will relieve stressor #2.
6. Learning to navigate life as a single mom.
7. Learning to function as a single person after 10 years.
8. The thought of someone else seeing me...well, you know.
9. My weight (which relates directly to #8).

Ok, enough about that. As I continue to list, I can feel the anxiety creeping in, tightening my chest, creating tunnel vision.

Stinkin' Thinkin' my stepmother calls it. Snowballing...or in my case sometimes, avalanching. Haha.

I can only do the best I can until I can do better. I think Janice, my dear Ya-Ya, wrote that somewhere. Or at least she mentioned it in conversation. I think it had to do with "Something Safe, Something Free" and Willy...or really it could apply to just about any of the characters in her stories.

What if the best isn't good enough? That's a stressor. An anxiety-producer. A fear of failure. I have those all the time.

I need a crown that says WOPT on it--what other people think--because I worry about that too much. I worry about the stigma of being a single mom. I worry that I won't be able to make another person happy (because clearly I didn't succeed this time around).

Ultimately, I'm a perfectionist. When I sense imperfection, I get stressed. My stress manifests itself through anxiety. Thank God they make pills for that! haha

Students here are stressed. It's the last week of winter quarter. Their stress manifests itself in panic. Is that the same as anxiety? I don't think so.

At least not for me.

So, here's the last on my list:

10. Perfectionism.

Like Anne Lamott says, it's the voice of the oppressor. Maybe I need to get those screaming banshees out of my head. Writing is therapeutic. Cathartic even.

Stressors. Anxiety. Perfection.

Wow. I feel better.

The Stress List

Hmm, life's little stresses . . .

• 33 comments on the blog that need to be moderated, mostly advertisement for Viagra and dates . . . yuck!
• that stack of analytical papers that I really don't want to grade
• this nagging headache that won't leave me alone
• trying to find a comfortable place and set-up for the Summer Institute
• worrying about Brenda
• wondering if Spring Break might allow a quick beach trip
• trying to find time to call my aunt to see if we can borrow her condo
• wondering how upset my niece will be if I miss her bridal shower to go to the beach for a long-overdue mini-vacation
• fretting about my messy, messy house
• needing to get to the print shop to get the articles photocopied for the ISI
• needing to order binders for the ISI
• being kicked off the Internet at home by my temperamental router--it throws temper tantrums at the most inopportune times
• the committee meeting tomorrow that I still need to prep for
• the eighteen copies of fifteen-entry bibliographies to check before Thursday's class
• the twenty-one reading responses to grade before Thursday
• the chapter in Burke's The English Teacher's Companion I need to read before Thursday
• the laundry room that needs to be swept and mopped and rugs vacuumed
• the bathroom that needs to be swept and mopped
• the clothes that need to be washed and ironed
• that nap that won't happen despite my burning eyes
• the overdue invoice for NWP

Hmm, right now, it might be easier to list what isn't stressing me: Wes, my students, my family, my colleagues, my friends. People don't stress me (for the most part--I can think of one or two NOTABLE exceptions); assignments stress me.

Despite all this stress, I'm having a good day. The house will get cleaned when it gets cleaned (although I know it will be straightened by Thursday night when Wes's mom spends the night with us). The overdue papers will be graded over Spring Break at the latest, though I'd love to return them Thursday so that they're not hanging over me during the break. My headache will eventually go away. I'll drop the photocopies off this week at the printers, and I'll ask Katina to help me order binders for the ISI. Katina, Heidi, and Emily have been godsends this semester, significantly lowering my stress levels. I've finished checking the journals that came in today, and Emily is meeting with the publications person tomorrow to send off the anthology. We are making progress, and Spring Break is next week.

I like my life, my husband (okay, I love him), my job, pretty much everything. Stress isn't overwhelming. I just need to mark off those tasks as I accomplish them. It helps me to see them in print. Just writing them down releases stress because it moves from general stress to specific stress, and the stress lessens with each marked-off item.

Stress Relievers

• warm bubble bath
• massage
• nap
• good book
• chewing gum
• hitting, kicking, throwing stuff
• venting to a friend or on paper

Hitting stuff is probably my favorite stress relief, but then, maybe I just like to hit stuff?

March Write Night 2010

Hey guys!

Tonight's writing topic will be...

Life's little stresses...

Have a great week!

Kristin and Jennifer