A Vicious Turkey at Gooney Golf

Generally speaking, whenever a police officer or fire fighter starts a story with "no shit, this really happened," it probably didn't happen, but in this case, no shit, this really happened.

A group of us retired police were sitting around exchanging stories when one of them brought up the call my fiance had a couple of years ago. It happened on the day shift near check off time. The dispatcher radioed Keith with a call about a vicious turkey at the Gooney Golf on Blanding Blvd. Thinking this was a prank called in by one of his buddies on the squad, he dutifully responded to the scene.

"Thank God you're here," the woman shouted as he pulled up to the miniature golf business. There's a vicious turkey on the grounds and it's making frightful noises, she continued. She escorted Keith to the last place she saw the turkey.

Sure enough, it was a full grown turkey hen backed into a corner and she wasn't happy. Not having any rope, lasso, or such, Keith opted to use his uniform jacket to subdue the turkey.

The closer he came, the more agitated the turkey became. She began making those strange, threatening sounds. "Kinda like kung fu turkey," Keith said with a wry laugh. The woman spun on her heels and took off in the opposite direction.

It took two throws, but Keith nabbed the trespassing turkey, put her in the back seat of his patrol car, and proceed to the check off point. En route, while waiting at a red light, he looked over and noticed that the driver in a pick up truck was "just laughing his ass off." Keith had momentarily forgotten about his feathered prisoner. He looked in the back seat and the turkey had worked her head out of the jacket and was looking around. The light changed and Keith pulled off, but the man in the pick up just sat there laughing as hard as could.

Once at the check off point, Keith told the guys to check out his prisoner. Everyone rolled in laughter at the sight of the turkey in his police jacket.

"She made a good meal, too," he ended.

April Fools Day

Teenagers and April Fools is quite a mixture. Most teenagers aren’t brave enough to fool the teacher, and the rest aren’t smart enough. One tried to convince me a roach was under my desk. I almost believed him, but only because I saw a ridiculously large spider just a few days before. This spider was not only big, but it also attacked me. It alternated its large eight legs and stealthily stalked me screaming in my classroom while no one came to my rescue. I suppose I was the fool with the spider encounter.

April Fools day this year also had another event. During first block our principal came on the intercom announcing:

“Teachers, we are currently under lockdown. Please do not allow students to leave the classroom until further notice. No one is immediate danger, but please have all students remain in the classroom. Thank you.”

Seriously? You want me to contain twenty fifteen-year-olds the day before school lets out for Spring Break?

“Ms. Smith, he’s just getting us for April Fools, right?”

“Sorry kids, you know he doesn’t joke around.”

Thankfully, my amazing first block calmed down quickly and we continued to go over the study guide for our test the next day. While steadily highlighting, we are interrupted by dogs barking in the hallway, and sure enough, huge German shepherds come skulking down the hallway by my classroom. I think this is the point my first block realized this was no April Fools joke. Chaos ensued.

After much pleading, we calmed down yet again and continue studying once again. Until the lockdown was lifted. As soon as we got the OK to leave the classroom, five students immediately raised their hands to go to the restroom.

I gave up…the lockdown made a fool out of me.

Chain, chain, chaaaaaaain.... chain of foooools!

I’ve never been big on April Fool’s Day. I don’t know… I guess I just don’t like surprises… at least not prank-like surprises. Good surprises – like news of Donna and Wes’s twins – are GREAT! As a newer teacher, I always worry when April Fool’s Day falls on a school day. I seriously worry about how I would react if some kids tried to prank me. It might not be so pretty…

Well, thinking about April Fool’s Day makes me think about the time-honored tradition of brutalizing a newly married bride and groom as they leave the reception for the honeymoon. (And it also makes me wonder… is this a Southern thing?!?) You know… flour, crickets, peanut butter, mustard, ants, saran wrap, pickles, worms, Vaseline, sardines… all that drama. (And before you even ask - yes, I have seen and/or heard of all of that being used before! Ick!!!) Anyway, I have always detested this practice. I think it’s because I am, like my Mama always says, so very, very “nice-nasty.” I hate to get messy when it’s not time to be messy.

Well, my brother-in-law and some of his good friends are alllllll about this whole tradition of “getting” the newlyweds of the group. This past Saturday, I attended Nikki’s wedding… and when I got home to my sister’s house for dinner, some of our mutual friends were there. Well these friends are part of said group that just loves to “get” the bride and groom. They asked me about the wedding, and somehow this topic came up. The comment was made – “You just wait, Carrie Beth. You will probably get it worse than any of us did!” (All of this just because I happen to be the “little sister” of the group who gets picked on… and the only single one left…) Well, that just flew all over me! I went off on this ten minute long tirade about how childish I think it is and how my sweet, simple little impending wedding would just have to be held in secret just to avoid the drama of the mess! Haha! (And by impending, I really mean non-existant-for-probably-a-good-ten-more-years-as-the-dating-pool-in-Baxley-really-sucks!)

I could totally get all melodramatic and tell you all about all of the wrong, or foolish, choices I’ve made in life. However, I try to forget them as much as possible! : ) I could also spend forever thinking about how my life has totally not turned out how I had planned and how sometimes I think I’ve got myself fooled… that I really never will have the “fairy tale” that I think is out there somewhere. However, I’m choosing not to. Instead I’ll leave y’all with another little funny…

Springtime makes me feel a little foolish. And by foolish I really mean footloose and fancy free! I’ve totally been bitten by the Spring/Summer bug now that Spring’s ACTUALLY here. And when I get Spring Fever, I get a little crazy. Err… foolish. Lately I’ve been thinking about motorcycles nonstop. They’ve always scared me a little. And I’ve always sworn that I would never get on one. (I fully expect riding on one to feel like how I feel when riding roller coasters which I totally hate! And I’m much too weak-stomached for all of that! Plus, they’re dangerous, right?) Lately it seems as if every time I’m on the road, I see like thirty seven motorcycles. They’re everywhere I turn. And I can’t get them out of my head! My students’ even had a writing warm-up this week that mentioned motorcycles several times. Crazy, huh? Since I can’t seem to get them out of my mind, I’ve actually found myself wanting to ride one! How crazy is that??? I can so picture myself on the back of a “hawg” – my luxurious locks billowing in the breeze as my arms encircle the waist of some hunky biker boy. Now that’s foolish… after all, helmets are required by law. And what’s sexy about helmet hair? Absolutely nothing…

Fool's

Like previously stated, I'm not one for jumping on the bandwagon. That's why I really can't stand things like April Fool's Day or National Karaoke Week. Yes, that last one is this month. I guess I just don't like campy. Why do we have holidays every month? And I seriously heard a commercial a few years ago for Nation Bran Week. Why?!? I don't know where people come up with these things. It's all I can do to remember birthdays and Mother and Father's days. I guess it seems sort of silly that we have all of these holidays and April Fools is the most absurd.

Nobody's Fool

For whatever reason, my grandmother taught me that the word “fool” is a horrible word. She even told me that I would go to hell if I used that word. She actually found scripture to support this, but I tend to disagree with her. That would be one of many situations that have caused me to look at myself as a fool. Another way I feel like a fool is the way I have spent the last ten years. Ten years ago, I married a single father who had physical custody of his daughter. Since then, I have raised her, along with my two biological children. Meanwhile, my husband has gone off to pursue all of his desires. He first decided he wanted to be in law enforcement, so he worked in a jail for a while, working night shifts lasting three or so months at a time. We never saw each other, but I was able to maintain our household seamlessly. Then, he changed gears again, deciding to be a trooper. This took him away from home for six months. We saw him occasionally on weekends, but not very frequently. As a trooper, he would spend many nights working, so he was not really a part of our lives. Once, he agreed to pick up our daughter from the sitter because I had a meeting at school. However, he forgot, and my baby was at the sitter until almost 8:00 PM. He couldn’t even handle the simplest tasks. I was a fool for thinking somehow things would get better. Not only were we not seeing each other much, but when we did see each other, we fought constantly. Few people knew this because we were so perfect at putting on the “church face.” After working as a trooper, he decided he wanted to pursue his lifelong dream of being an Army aviator. He joined the National Guard, and he was sent to flight school. That took almost two years, and now he is in Afghanistan for a year. For so long, I have tried to pretend that I am okay with all of this, but I am not, and I really do feel like a fool for enduring it for so long. My children barely know their father, and my oldest, who is my husband’s biological child, said recently, “I wish he would just go off and follow his dream and leave us alone.” What kind of fool endures all this for so long?? I thought that if he got a good enough paycheck and we had good enough insurance, I would be okay with it all. So many people have said they don’t know how I do it, but truth be told, I’ve never missed him. There is something wrong with that. I often question how I could have been such a fool and made such poor decisions, but if we had not gotten married, I wouldn’t have my wonderful babies. However, I am constantly plagued with thoughts that I made foolish decisions to try and improve my life. In theory, I wanted to protect my children’s childhood, but I feel like I’ve done anything but that. They are growing up without a father, living in a pitiful excuse for a house, and dealing with a stressed out mama. I feel like a fool for thinking I was making things better with the decisions I’ve made. But, I’m through being a fool. I will not be anyone’s fool again. I will make my children happy, and I will make myself happy. I haven’t been happy for so long, although I’ve pretended I was completely happy. What a fool I was. As I said, no longer. I am moving forward, and as the hair band Cinderella said I am “Nobody’s Fool.”

Foolishness

April Fools' Day, hmm? I usually don't believe anything anyone tells me on this day. "Have a great day?" someone might say. "Yeah, right," I think. I doubt everyone and everything, but sometimes I forget, and sometimes I'll bite because of the news being shared. I'm not going to refuse to congratulate someone on April Fools' Day because I'd rather be seen as foolish or punked rather than churlish. But maybe that's just me. I guess I can't think of any good pranks. I don't know that I've ever tried to prank anyone on April Fools' Day. I just figure everyone is watching out on that day, so it's not a great day to tease people. Besides, I've realized that I have a pretty good poker face when I want, and I can tease people most anyday. Maybe I'm just a good liar, even though that's probably a bad thing to admit. I don't think of it as lying; I think of it as acting, just like I usually act a bit when I go into a classroom. I usually don my happy face whether I'm having a good day or not. It's not their fault my head hurts or my stomach feels unsettled. Besides, bad moods and whininess are contagious, I think, so I prefer to spread upbeat behavior (except on Facebook, where I will whine when I get overwhelmed as I am this week). If that makes me a liar, so be it.

Yeah, I guess I'll switch to foolishness because it's such an easy topic. The world is full of fools--or perhaps just of people who engage in foolish behavior. While I understand that they have their own lives, I also wonder sometimes if they aren't put into my path to give me something to laugh about, to make my day just a bit brighter.

When I'm heading anywhere in my car, they come out in full force. It's like a scene from The Truman Show where I'm driving along, minding my own business, and suddenly I have slow drivers in the left-hand lane in front of me and people pulling out right in front of me, making me slam on brakes, when there's no one in sight behind me. Yep, fools gather when I get on the road.

Wes loves to watch fools who have their foolishness videotaped, so the television in our house is often turned to World's Dumbest Criminals or What Were They Thinking? or Fools on Parade. Okay, I made up the names of some of those shows, but there really are a ton of them showcasing stupidity. And even though I feel silly watching them, it's pretty addictive. Maybe it's just a chance to feel smart, but I'd rather feel smart as I re-read Thackeray's Vanity Fair or Jane Austen's Persuasion. Oh well, I guess I need to take those smart vibes wherever I can.

And yes, I'm as big a fool as anyone else. I've made stupid decisions throughout my life or drifted into stupid behavior when my brain didn't engage quickly enough. Most of the real foolishness happened in high school and college, but I still have brain spasms. At least twice in the past week, I've distributed papers in Studies in Composition Theory by saying, "Take one and pass the rest," only to give the student in front one paper and keep the rest for myself. Let me repeat: I've done that TWICE in one week. I think my brain is shutting down a bit. The twins are sucking up my intellect. I thought I'd have to wait until they were born and sleep deprivation began to start losing brain cells. Oh well, I guess they're over-achievers.

Did anyone prank anyone for April Fools' Day? If so, share.

I can't wait to read your posts later. I'm posting early because I'll be working on taxes tonight, but I'll take a break to read and respond to your posts. It will be a nice, super-appreciated break. So far, I've only entered my income and our family deductions. I still have to do Wes's business. Ugh!

Happy belated April Fools' Day to you all. I hope the foolish people in your life keep your entertained.

April Write Nitght

Hey guys!


Tonight's writing topic will be...


April Fool's...or just fools...


Have a great week! Enjoy the wonderful weather!
Kristin and Jennifer