Nobody's Fool

For whatever reason, my grandmother taught me that the word “fool” is a horrible word. She even told me that I would go to hell if I used that word. She actually found scripture to support this, but I tend to disagree with her. That would be one of many situations that have caused me to look at myself as a fool. Another way I feel like a fool is the way I have spent the last ten years. Ten years ago, I married a single father who had physical custody of his daughter. Since then, I have raised her, along with my two biological children. Meanwhile, my husband has gone off to pursue all of his desires. He first decided he wanted to be in law enforcement, so he worked in a jail for a while, working night shifts lasting three or so months at a time. We never saw each other, but I was able to maintain our household seamlessly. Then, he changed gears again, deciding to be a trooper. This took him away from home for six months. We saw him occasionally on weekends, but not very frequently. As a trooper, he would spend many nights working, so he was not really a part of our lives. Once, he agreed to pick up our daughter from the sitter because I had a meeting at school. However, he forgot, and my baby was at the sitter until almost 8:00 PM. He couldn’t even handle the simplest tasks. I was a fool for thinking somehow things would get better. Not only were we not seeing each other much, but when we did see each other, we fought constantly. Few people knew this because we were so perfect at putting on the “church face.” After working as a trooper, he decided he wanted to pursue his lifelong dream of being an Army aviator. He joined the National Guard, and he was sent to flight school. That took almost two years, and now he is in Afghanistan for a year. For so long, I have tried to pretend that I am okay with all of this, but I am not, and I really do feel like a fool for enduring it for so long. My children barely know their father, and my oldest, who is my husband’s biological child, said recently, “I wish he would just go off and follow his dream and leave us alone.” What kind of fool endures all this for so long?? I thought that if he got a good enough paycheck and we had good enough insurance, I would be okay with it all. So many people have said they don’t know how I do it, but truth be told, I’ve never missed him. There is something wrong with that. I often question how I could have been such a fool and made such poor decisions, but if we had not gotten married, I wouldn’t have my wonderful babies. However, I am constantly plagued with thoughts that I made foolish decisions to try and improve my life. In theory, I wanted to protect my children’s childhood, but I feel like I’ve done anything but that. They are growing up without a father, living in a pitiful excuse for a house, and dealing with a stressed out mama. I feel like a fool for thinking I was making things better with the decisions I’ve made. But, I’m through being a fool. I will not be anyone’s fool again. I will make my children happy, and I will make myself happy. I haven’t been happy for so long, although I’ve pretended I was completely happy. What a fool I was. As I said, no longer. I am moving forward, and as the hair band Cinderella said I am “Nobody’s Fool.”