Food

Food has always been an issue for me. I LOVE FOOD! When I was a little girl, I was beautiful, just like Abby-Kate. Then, around 8 or 9, my grandmother started keeping me. She didn’t have the ability to say no, so if I asked for a dozen doughnuts, a bag of Doritos, and a coke, that is what I had. So, I became a nice little marshmallow girl. Around 14, I went to Weight Watchers with my mom and slimmed up. After that, I was just healthy, but the girls in high school were stick thin, so I always felt like a cow. In college, I was fairly secure with my weight until I met my ex-husband. He made me feel like I was HUGE. After we got married, his personal mission was to make me skinny, and he succeeded. I worked out constantly, and he monitored everything I ate. I longed for food, but he wouldn’t let me. Can you believe I was so controlled??? Ridiculous. We would visit family for the holidays and I would just look longingly at the pumpkin pie and dream about having it. I literally went to bed every night with my stomach growling. Looking back, I almost think of it as self-mutilation because the pain of being hungry did something for me. Anyway, I endured this for five years, and then I broke free. Soon after, I met my husband, who is extremely healthy and naturally thin – don’t you hate that! He loved to eat, and he took me great places to eat. He still eats a bowl (huge) of Bryer’s vanilla ice cream every night. Just sickening. I was so excited to have the freedom to eat again, and that I did, all the time. I ate things I had never felt comfortable eating in the past. I felt no pressure to be thin. Apparently, I need that pressure, because I gained almost 100 pounds. When my husband and I got married, I was at my heaviest. I really didn’t’ realize it until almost 9 months later, when we took Easter pictures. I looked at them and was shocked. Who was this girl??? She wasn’t me. I decided to do something about it. I started Weight Watchers and lost all the weight. I learned how to eat healthy, occasionally having things I want – like right now, knowing that I have the will power to eat healthy when I choose. I can remember when I started Weight Watchers, and the leader talked to us about why we eat. I remember thinking, “I eat because it is good.” I simply like food. I haven’t been in this type of situation – where I have amazing good food every day, so I should probably have A LOT more will power, but it is so good!! I say that, but I just went and threw away my plate because I feel guilty. Sorry Brenda. I recognize I shouldn’t worry so much about my appearance, but that is my flaw, and I have to live with it.

I think Abby-Kate will be a lot like me when it comes to food. She likes the same things I do. My favorite moment was from a little over a year ago when she looked at me and said, “Mommy, I love cake.” I responded, “Baby, I understand, Mommy loves it too.” I never want her to suffer from the weight issues I have, but I also want her to be free to be herself. My husband looked at her funny one day when she took a huge bite of cake. I immediately became furious because I felt like he was criticizing her. Of course he wasn’t, but I had seen that look from my ex-husband, so I thought he was looking at her with disgust. I have to realize I have my own issues that have nothing to do with her.

Okay, all this makes me want to be Wendy and not eat right now. I ate so much yesterday!!! Breakfast was so wonderful, lunch was great, and my mom had an amazing dinner for me. Also, the petit-four (sp) and the birthday cake were awesome. Now, I feel like I am still full, but here I am eating, because it is good, and I won’t have this tomorrow; although, I know Heidi will provide a fabulous breakfast also.

I really love cake. I don’t care what kind, just cake. I have become quite a connoisseur of cake. Harvey’s in Tifton makes an amazing cake. They use this wonderful whipped icing that tastes like you are eating Cool Whip. Oh, so good. I also love caramel cake, it if is made correctly. There is a lady in Tifton who makes outstanding caramel cakes, but they are $35 a cake, and I can’t afford that very often. Plus, I have to meet her at Cracker Barrel or somewhere in town, so I always feel like it is a crack deal or something. In a way, it is, because that cake is addictive.

I also love good dressing. The Holiday Inn in Tifton has wonderful dressing. I’m not too keen on their giblet gravy, but that doesn’t stop me from eating it. Shady Lane in Tifton has the best chili dogs and ice cream. Growing up, my grandfather used to take me and my cousin Greg to the Shady Lane after we finished milking. Oh how I looked forward to those trips. Those trips also included stopping by Harvey’s to buy hot sausage and macaroni for my great grandmother. That was what she loved to eat. We would take it back to her and she would cook that for us. Who eats just hot sausage and macaroni now?? Regardless, it was wonderful!

As a woman, I feel as if I am judged by my cooking. Whenever there is a get-together, I feel that I have to over-compensate with food to make sure there is enough of everything, and that everyone will like it. Tomorrow, my group has lunch duty, and then I have a church party to go to tomorrow night. I’m a nervous wreck, trying to make sure I have the perfect food that tastes good. Why do I care??

Warm, cold
Hard, soft
Dry, moist
None of that matters.

The way you feel on my lips
The sensation in my mouth
The way I move my tongue on you
I close my eyes to enjoy the experience.
How can something be so good?

You satisfy me
You fulfill me
You give me happiness
You comfort me in times of need
You give me pleasure beyond measure

What are you?
Cake