Religion & Spirituality

My first memory of going to church involves my grandfather. He took me to a loud church filled with old people. The preacher talked about heaven and hell and loving Jesus above all else. I remember him smearing a fingertip’s worth of olive oil on the foreheads of my sister, myself, and some other people. I tried to wipe the oil off when I got back to my seat. I was so restless and confused. That moment defined my experience in church from that point on.

Wearing uncomfortable dresses, being forced to sit through sermons that made little sense, old people watching yelling about the joys of Jesus made church a burden. In one church, people would start speaking in “tongues” a whirling about on the floor in a frenzy. In another church, hapless children, victim of their parent’s good faith and bad taste would be forced to “pantomime” religious dances. Although, that has been pure comedy gold for me. How can I not mention the hats, my goodness, the hats. I would go to church just to see the pageantry of the hats. Hats with fake birds, flowers, and sequin and rhinestones of all shapes and colors. The music was the best part of church. Even when I didn’t understand the lyrics, the music could easily move me to tears. The love people could express for their faith.

When I was thirteen, I asked my mother if I had to go to church again. She told me that I did not. She also told me that I was now accountable for my own soul. I wasn’t sure of what that meant, but I did not have to go to church anymore, so I really didn’t care. Oddly enough, I went to church more often.

But the more I went to church, the more cynical I became. Saturdaynightsinners become Sundaymorningsaints. Congregations did the very things the preacher cautioned against. And it seemed as if the people who followed the rules suffered the most. And no one had clear answers for the contradictions. They would throw out clichés and catch all phrases that did little to relieve my faltering faith.

It wasn’t until, I started to read various religious texts that I gained some sense of spirituality. I let go of all the labels, establishments, and conventions of organized religion. Most religions are the (r)evolutions and hodgepodges of religions that came before. All societies have had some form of religion, many lost to time. When humans organize something, we find a way to destroy its inherent beauty and necessity be theorizing it to death, dissection, and explication. But I’ve decided that my spirit transcends the madness of this, and that there is divinity within everyone. I’m sure there is a philosophy that explains this in far more detail though.