Hide Me!!!!

Disclaimer: I am not depressed, just a little overwhelmed. Do not refer me for any type of "assistance."

I would love to hide me right now. Maybe somewhere that no one can find me unless I invite them. You know, I see you, but you don't see me? Then I could observe without having to comment. It's not being a part of life that gets old, it's pretending I care. I do, but sometimes I get tired of caring about other people. Wow, that's negative, but I'm gonna leave it. So my hideout if I can't hide me...

There's a park down from my grandmother's house in Stuttgart that has an open air market every Tuesday with fresh fruits, vegetables, breads, whatever you want. Mounds of color against the smell of rising yeast and floral arrangements. People barter and argue prices; it would be insulting to pay what's asked, and children run from vendor to vendor sampling the goods. I'd like to be in the park at the pond feeding the ducks. I used to spend hours feeding the ducks with stale bread the baker saved for the neighborhood kids. Poor ducks were probably miserable, but I was happy. My Opa used to walk to the park with me and even though we didn't speak the same language, we always understood each other.

I remember feeling grown when I walked to the park by myself. It was a few blocks from my grandparents, but in their neighborhood I was safe. I couldn't understand everyone, and I think that was part of the appeal. I didn't have to communicate. I could plead ignorance. Keine Deutsch. And I was alone. And I liked being alone. You can think, or not, in a hideaway, but no one asks questions, and if you want to talk you can, but no one forces you. Sometimes talking sucks.

But back to the park. The cobblestone paths lead through trees and playgrounds and people are sprinkled like confetti across the grass. A socccer game (their football) goes on in the middle of the field, and in true German style, everyone has a beer, but no one is drunk. Old men play chess on stone tables set up around the park, and children play their own game on a lifesize chess board with pieces almost as big as themselves. I laugh as they shoo the ducks out of the way to move their pieces.

I think this is my hide out because people here know how to relax. They take time to play. I want time to play...without feeling like there is something else I should be doing. When we were kids we never said, "Well, I would make some mud-pies, but I've got to clean my room." Why does that responsibilty have to be part of "growing up?" Does it? Or do we put too much pressure on ourselves?

In the park with the ducks and a warm pretzel. That's my hide out. Too bad it's in another country.